I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
