I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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