So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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