if i died would you start the facebook group?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
