I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
