and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
