I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i dont even know how to be here
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
