Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
