Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
