yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
