I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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