Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
