I got chris browned last night
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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