don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
