in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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