I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
