They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
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If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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