I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
