I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
