She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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