Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
