I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
