just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
