when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
