I like to think it a success when the cops are called
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
