we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
