I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
