I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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