my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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