After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
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YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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