I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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