Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
