I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
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He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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