I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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