I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
