Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Damn victory sex feels great
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
