Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
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in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Even my vagina gasped.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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