I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
