dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
