You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
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If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
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I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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