how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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