haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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