apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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