I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
