That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
