I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
