apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
