i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
