you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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