The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
