The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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