He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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