Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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