Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
