Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
