the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
