how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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