.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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