fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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