she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
