my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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