my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Drunk is not a location!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
